Winning

It became very obvious throughout the research that winning is very important to teenagers. What was also obvious was adults’ versions of winning is very different to teens.

It’s generally agreed, when competing in sports or games, most people aim to win. However, adults tend to look at the results, while teens focus more on the competition.

As an example, adults will generally ask, “Did you win?” or “How many tries did you score?” Straight to the result!

Asking your teenager an open-ended question about whether they enjoyed the game is more likely to invite an open response. It also leaves the door open for them to talk about what they think and feel about the game and raise any uncertainties or issues they have. Asking about the game demonstrates your interest in what matters most to them – the battle, their mates and their enjoyment level.

If you weren’t at their game, try saying “Tell me about your game”. That should be your only question - if they aren’t feeling pressured they are sure to spill the beans on whether they won, how many tries they scored and how they performed.

It’s quite a simple philosophy. They want to win, but what is more concerning is losing by a lot or losing every single game. The ‘shame’ factor is strong.

“Losing isn’t great, but one of the worst things is when we lose we know we are going to get thrashed by the coach on Tuesday at practice.”

Priorities for parents interviewed, show their most desired outcomes are for their kids to be good players, be receptive to getting advice during game time and to win.

On the flipside, teens want a close battle, they want to improve and be left alone during game time - almost polar opposites to adults’ expectations.

There are some similar perceptions in the mix, with both adults and teens thinking discipline (setting boundaries), socialising and gaining a sense of achievement all important in rugby.

A love of rugby isn’t about winning – it’s a convenient term for teens to describe a sense of achievement. A sense of achievement is derived from fighting a fair fight, pushing boundaries and giving it everything you’ve got for your teammates.

Players are looking to reinforce social bonds, and this can be achieved win or lose, but only as a result of ‘giving it your best’.

Is the disappointment of not winning about the teens’ disappointment, or knowing they’ve let their parents and teachers down?

“It’s basically if we know we’ve tried our hardest. That’s basically when you know you can go off and celebrate. You earn the celebration from just working together and if the result doesn’t go your way you can keep your head up and just enjoy it afterwards.”

“You want a good team round about the same level as you, so you have got a good close game and it’s good for the side-line watchers too.”

“You feel like you’ve earned it if it’s a hard game, you feel like you have done good, not just thrashed them for the fun of it.”

On any given day only 50% of teams can ever win at rugby and there is a 50% chance your team is not going to be a winner. At the end of the season only one team can be the champion, so there’s an even greater chance it won’t be your team.

There are around 5,000 rugby games played every week in New Zealand and with only 2,500 winning that’s a lot of disappointed players, parents, coaches, families and supporters.

It is important to judge your team based on whether the players and the team are improving, and whether they are enjoying what they are doing, rather than on how many games they’ve won or lost. As I mentioned earlier – this is what the teens want.

High school rugby can often be ego driven, but if your motivation is building a well-rounded team, you are well on your way to being successful. Personal egos tend to make coaches and schools unhappy and take every loss personally. Ambition is not a bad thing, but a team’s energies should be channelled into improving individuals, improving team play, and creating better people on and off the field.

The overriding factors at any level are enthusiasm and positivity. These may seem like obvious requirements but if you look around, not all schools demonstrate these attributes. It is acceptable, necessary to outline faults to players and give negative feedback - win or lose. But finding solutions needs to be the focus, so individuals and the team have something positive to work towards. Attributing blame is never helpful.

This won’t change much right throughout a player’s career. As players age they just learn how to deal with negativity better, although they don’t necessarily appreciate too much of it.

Enthusiasm and positivity will open up the school’s mind to learn more about their players. This is hugely important in a coaching sense as a coach cannot provide a fully supportive coaching regime unless they get to know and understand the players they are working with. The more they understand an individual and the culture within the group or the region the more likely they are to make good decisions based around the needs of the group.

Getting to know the player is about sitting and chatting and having the same communication with his friends and family. It’s not that hard to do.

Coaching rugby skills, techniques, team patterns and game understanding provide the basis of the coach’s armoury, but the real coaching is created through making players feel good about themselves, giving them confidence, and turning out disciplined and happy individuals.

If a school or coach judges themselves on this criteria and team positivity is prevalent, the results become secondary. And if all these aspects are present, there’s a strong chance of results improving.

“I know all about this winning isn’t the most important thing, but isn’t this just all PC rubbish? The kids want to win, being second is for losers.”