Guidelines for Communicating with Teens

It is common for coaches to feel as though they cannot understand teenagers, while teens often feel as if nobody understands them. Learning to communicate effectively may create opportunities for understanding and positively influencing teens.

As a means of promoting effective communication, coaches need to adapt and sometimes change their behaviour. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Coaches should try to start all interactions with teenagers with understanding, even if you don’t fully agree or even quite comprehend what they’re talking about. Saying “I understand” doesn’t say you agree – it just lets them know you are listening.

2. Many things in rugby can be given analogies to help make it clearer for teenagers - run as straight as a train, glide like a bird, for example. Don’t be afraid to use colourful language, as it will give them a better idea of what you are talking about. Adults can sometimes sound a bit foreign. Just keep it simple.

3. Make a point of getting to know the talents, gifts and interests of each player. Talk to them about ways to use their talents in a practical way and assist them in setting goals or establishing plans. They will enjoy your positive attitude and feel as though you have a real interest in them.

4. Be aware of your emotions. Emotion is your enemy when you’re attempting to talk to teens. Remind yourself what they say and do is not necessarily a reflection on you. You may not like the way they’re behaving or how they’re thinking - but keep your emotions out of it, even if their conduct impacts on you. Remember, their behaviour and language are probably a result of another adult in their lives.

5. Ask questions all the time, but not loaded questions. Ask for their ideas and be collaborative. Demonstrate your belief in them, not your anger at any failings. Show you have faith in their capabilities and give them the space and time to work things out on their own. This way you will begin to develop real confidence in them. Loaded questions puts them on the defensive so avoid asking questions such as “What’s wrong with you?” ... “Why can’t you get to practice on time?” Instead, try: “Any ideas for how you might get here on time?” If they say they don’t know, offer a few of your own and ask which one would work for them. Let them know they don’t have to solve their problems alone. But don’t step into their world. You are there to help them figure out the answers and let them deal with the natural consequences of their behaviour.

6. Your purpose is to help them learn to think for themselves. Listen openly to what they say and ask them to think critically about each choice - what will work and what will be problematic? What are the natural consequences of each choice - and how would they feel about dealing with those consequences? This usually goes against most coaches’ methods of training as coaches tend to do way too much telling and talking. Questioning and listening is a lot more effective at this stage. Actually, it is better at most ages!

7. Don’t be needy, stand on your own two feet. Don’t need your teens’ cooperation, endorsement, or obedience. You are still the person these teens will be looking to for direction. It is a fine line but if you get it right your team will benefit and so will you. You don’t need your players

to prop you up. You can validate yourself and solve your own problems. So, if your teen is acting up, that’s their problem. Your problem is deciding how you will choose to behave toward them. Let them know this – it’s not a secret.

8. Peer pressure influences a teen’s behaviour in positive and negative ways. It can motivate teens to strive for success and seek conformity but can also impair judgment and result in unwise choices. Boys in particular are risk takers and look for rewards.

9. One of the most powerful ways to maintain a bond between an adult and a teenager is through confirmation of the teen’s feelings. Confirmation involves sending a message suggesting their feelings are both understandable and normal. But please don’t be their friend! They have plenty of mates and they will pick up on this if you try too hard.